Boundaries · Ages 8–12

Your boundaries and other people's boundaries

Perhaps you like hugging one person but would rather wave to another. Perhaps you want to join a game but stop when it gets too rough. What you want to take part in and what you want to stop are to do with your boundaries. A boundary tells others what is okay for you. It can concern your body, your belongings, pictures or the way other people talk to you. Other people also have boundaries. You can ask each other and speak up when something changes.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is the difference between what you want to take part in and what you want to stop. For example, you might want to lend someone a book but keep your diary to yourself. You might like a hug but want to let go when you have had enough. Boundaries can involve your body, belongings, room or the way others speak to you. You can use words, walk away or ask an adult for help.

Everyone has their own boundaries

Some people like hugs. Others prefer to wave. Something that feels nice to one person may not feel nice to another.

You can change your mind

Something being okay yesterday does not mean it has to be okay today. You can change your mind, say stop or walk away.

There are different ways to show no

Some people say no or stop. Others move away, become quiet or freeze. If you are unsure whether someone else wants something, the right thing is to stop and ask.

If someone crosses your boundary

You can tell an adult you trust. You can explain what happened in your own words.

Ask first and let the other person choose

If you want to hug someone, you can ask: 'Would you like a hug?' Wait for the answer. The other person may choose a hug, a wave or just saying hello. Giving someone a choice means listening to what they want. This applies to both girls and boys.

Yes should be something you want

When you say yes because you want to, that is what we call consent. It means you agree to exactly what you are going to do. Saying yes to a hug means saying yes to that hug. You can still choose to let go whenever you want. The person being asked is the one who decides. If someone says no, you can say 'okay' and give them space.

Practise with an everyday situation

Imagine a friend wants to tickle you. At first you laugh, but then you want them to stop. You can say, 'I want to stop now,' or move away. Your friend must stop, even if you were having fun a moment ago. If you want to hug someone, you can ask, 'Would you like a hug, or shall we wave?' Both answers must be okay. Choosing is easier when you do not have to worry that someone will get angry. An adult can help you practise.

When a friend needs help

If someone keeps bothering your friend, you can get an adult. You can say: 'Can you come with me? Someone needs help.' If a friend tells you about something difficult, you can listen and offer to go with them to an adult you both trust. The adult is responsible for helping.

If you crossed someone else's boundary

Stop when you realise you have crossed someone's boundary. You could say, 'I'm sorry, I should have stopped,' and ask whether the other person needs some space or help. Changing what you do is more helpful than saying it was only a joke. An adult can help you work things out and agree on a better way forward. The other person does not have to feel happy or forgive you straight away. You can learn to respect boundaries without anyone having to keep what happened secret.

Want to talk about it?

You can ask someone you trust about anything you have noticed or are worried about. A school nurse or doctor can also help if symptoms affect everyday life.

Help me explain

Sources and further information

Personal health concerns require assessment by a healthcare professional. Some source documents are in Norwegian.