Sex and boundaries · For ages 13–17
Consent and respect for each other's boundaries
Consent means that sexual contact is voluntary and wanted by everyone involved.
Perhaps you want to kiss someone but are unsure whether they want to kiss you. You can ask: 'Would you like to kiss?' Consent means that everyone involved wants exactly what is happening and can choose freely. That also applies when you know each other well.
Everyone's boundaries, including your own, must be respected. This applies to girls and boys.
Ask and listen to the answer
Before touching or kissing someone, you need to be sure they want it. You can ask in everyday words. If the person seems unsure, goes quiet or moves away, stop. Only continue when you both clearly want to.
Yes applies to what you have agreed to
A yes to kissing means yes to kissing. If you want to do something else, first make sure the other person wants that too. Being in a relationship or having had sex before does not give anyone the right to sexual contact.
Either person can change their mind
You may want something at first and then decide to stop. The other person can change their mind too. Then you stop, even if you have already begun. This applies throughout sexual contact.
Respect a no
Consent must be freely given. Repeated pressure, threats and guilt make it hard to choose freely. If someone says no, you can say 'okay' and give them space. You may feel disappointed while still treating the other person with respect.
Alcohol, drugs and sleep
A person who is asleep, unconscious or so intoxicated that they cannot understand or express what they want cannot consent. Sexual contact must stop. If you are unsure whether someone can choose freely, do not continue.
Try a specific situation
Imagine two people are kissing. When the contact progresses, one person becomes quiet, moves away or seems unsure. That is the time to stop and ask, rather than interpreting silence as a yes. It must feel safe to say that you want to stop or do something else.
You can ask: 'Do you want this?' or 'Would you like us to stop?' An answer is meaningful when the person can choose freely, without pressure or fear of consequences. Previous contact, a relationship or agreement to one activity does not determine what someone wants now.
What next?
Stop and ask if you are unsure
If you are unsure what the other person wants, stop and ask. If you are unsure yourself, you can also ask for a break or stop completely.
Sources
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